Not every painful experience in life is caused by trauma, bad luck, or karma. Sometimes, it’s simply the people around us. The wrong ones we convince ourselves are good for us just because they speak well, offer help, show concern, or present themselves in a polished, put-together way.

What we often fail to realise is that these individuals gradually wear us down. They draw on our energy without our consent. Their demands are subtle, and their sense of entitlement is quiet but persistent. We continue to give, unaware that we are slowly being depleted. 

And, instead of taking a moment to reflect on what is truly happening, we rationalise and justify their behaviour.

Remember this: Some abuse doesn’t always look like abuse.

I have encountered more of these relationships than I can count across friendships, work environments, and even with mentors. On the surface, they looked confident, spoke well, and often talked about growth, spirituality, or healing. But underneath, there were hidden power struggles and subtle ways of controlling others.

At that point in time, I could not see the situation clearly. I kept thinking that I needed to look inwards, that I had to keep healing myself so I could be more patient, more understanding, and more kind. Maybe I was the problem, and maybe I was too much. But now when I look back, I realise it was never about me. It was really their energy, and it was hidden beneath how they appeared on the outside.

Energy Never Lies

Most of us have been conditioned to place our trust in words and outward appearances, rather than in the energy we sense. We tend to be drawn to charm instead of character, to what feels familiar rather than what is actually true. That is where the danger lies. We don’t see it happening, because no one is yelling. There are no big arguments. Just small compromises that happen so subtly we don’t even realise they’re happening. And we keep telling ourselves things like, “They’re a good person,” “Maybe they didn’t mean it,” or “Maybe I misunderstood.” Until one day, we wake up and realise we don’t even recognise who we have become.

People do not merely influence us. They shape us on a deep and lasting level. They have the power to alter the way our brain and nervous system function. Very often, we think we are choosing a meaningful connection, a team, or a supportive community. But what we are actually doing is replaying our unresolved fears, insecurities, and past wounds through those relationships. Sometimes we stay because the person reminds us of someone from our past. Other times, we stay because we fear that no one else will understand us or support us in the same way. But this is not true support. It is simply us holding on to what feels familiar, in an attempt to feel safe.

What Real Support Actually Looks Like

A real support system doesn’t make you feel used, or like you owe someone just for being part of their life. It’s not a give-and-take deal. Real support doesn’t come with strings attached. It respects your space, your time, and your energy. It doesn’t make you feel like you always have to be available, always adjusting, or always giving more than you can. It allows you to speak freely, to show up as you are, without fear of pressure or guilt.

Real support gives you room to breathe. It allows you to speak freely, to show up as you are, without fear of pressure or guilt.

I’m not saying go and cut everyone off and move to a cave in Bali. I’m saying stop pretending your circle doesn’t affect your life. Stop saying “it’s not that bad” when your body is screaming otherwise. We must stop labelling it as loyalty when, in truth, it is fear. Fear of missing out on an opportunity, fear of letting someone down, or fear of being left alone.

Let me ask you this:

After spending time with that person, or being around that group, do you really still think for yourself? Or have you started living according to what they want, how they think, what they believe is right? You may not feel drained or anxious but over time, you realise your decisions, your schedule, even your ideas, are no longer your own. Your life becomes centred around them. It looks like support, but actually, your freedom is slowly being taken away. Not because they force you, but because you don’t see it happening. That’s the real danger. It’s not about feelings. It’s about how you lose your own sense of direction without even realising it.

So what does a healthy connection really look like? 

It gives you space to think and decide for yourself. You don’t feel like you need to follow the group just to belong. You’re allowed to grow in your own way, at your own pace. Even when there’s disagreement, you can speak your mind and still feel respected. Your time, your energy, your ideas are all yours to manage. You don’t have to shrink or change yourself just to fit in. A healthy connection doesn’t ask you to give up who you are. It only supports you in becoming more of who you are meant to be.

What You Can Do Now

If you’re not sure whether a connection is helping or harming you, ask yourself this: Who am I becoming in this person’s or group’s presence? Am I more grounded and independent or am I slowly losing my voice, my confidence, my direction? That question alone will tell you everything.

You don’t need to make big changes this week. Just pay attention. Observe the people around you. Notice how you behave after each interaction. Don’t analyse. Just pause and feel. Are you more clear or more confused? More certain or more passive? 

That’s where your truth starts. Be honest with yourself even if you are not ready to act on it yet. Sometimes you are too deep inside a dynamic to see what’s really going on. Your real task is to clear what’s blocking your clarity. That means healing the fears, grief, insecurity, neediness and attachment that make you ignore your own voice. Once you do that, your instincts and inner compass will return.

Why does this matter? Because the kind of relationships you choose to stay in today will shape the life you live tomorrow. So be honest. Even if it’s hard.

Deep Energy Clearing Can Help

If you find yourself stuck in environments that no longer feel right but still can’t seem to walk away, there may be deeper layers holding you back. Energy clearing helps you release the inherited fears that keep you clinging to certain groups out of survival, instead of natural alignment.

Many of these patterns come from paternal-line trauma - our grandfathers and great-grandfathers - men who stayed in the wrong places out of duty, fear of abandonment, or the need to belong during war and scarcity. These imprints shape how you show up at work, in teams, and in communities. Clearing these blocks helps you think clearly again, take back control of your choices, and stop staying in spaces that no longer support your growth.

If this resonates, you can book an energy clearing session with me. We will work on releasing the old patterns you have been carrying, especially the ones that are not even yours to begin with.

The Other Side of the Mirror

If you’re reading this and thinking, “What if I’m the one doing this to others? What if I’m the one draining them, crowding them, controlling them, or even using them?”, then you are already more honest than most.

Next week, we will talk about this. We will explore how unhealed anxiety and fear can quietly turn us into the very thing we are trying to protect ourselves from in others. There will be no blame. Only awareness. Because healing is not merely about achieving comfort, feeling good or receiving support from others. At its core, healing requires accountability. It demands that we take full ownership of the energy we bring into every relationship, every space, and every moment.

Until the next letter,

Shaya Ang

P.S. My clearing work has expanded. It’s no longer just about finding and clearing root causes. Each session now includes guided clearing, manifestation work, coaching, and sometimes mediumship depending on whether your Higher Self or spirit guides come in. From the usual 45 mins to 60 mins, it has now always extended to up to 3 hours per session for many cases.

Because of this shift, I will be retiring this version of the service soon to focus on my writing. I’ll still take in a few more clients at the current rate before I update the offerings. If you have been considering it, now is probably the right time. ❤️

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Disclaimer:

The self-healing methods shared in this letter are intended to support your emotional and energetic well-being. They are not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Results may vary, and it is important to consult a licensed healthcare or mental health professional if you are experiencing severe symptoms or distress.